Author details
All Emo Philips Quotes
My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.
Emo Philips in
Funny
95% of people like this quote
I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.
Emo Philips in
Funny
82% of people like this quote
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
Emo Philips in
Forgiveness
74% of people like this quote
I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don't know I'm only using blanks.
Emo Philips
69% of people like this quote
I love to go to the playground and watch the children jumping up and down. They don't know I'm firing blanks.
Emo Philips
68% of people like this quote
I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!'
Emo Philips
68% of people like this quote
How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
Emo Philips
64% of people like this quote
I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.
Emo Philips
62% of people like this quote
In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some.
Emo Philips
62% of people like this quote
Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.
Emo Philips
61% of people like this quote
He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.
Emo Philips
59% of people like this quote
I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them.
Emo Philips
59% of people like this quote
My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.
Emo Philips
57% of people like this quote
Related authors