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All Emo Philips Quotes
You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back.
Emo Philips
54% of people like this quote
I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them.
Emo Philips
53% of people like this quote
At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.
Emo Philips
53% of people like this quote
He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.
Emo Philips
53% of people like this quote
I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.
Emo Philips
52% of people like this quote
I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there's never any gum under any of them.
Emo Philips
52% of people like this quote
Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories?
Emo Philips
52% of people like this quote
Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
Emo Philips
52% of people like this quote
When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas.
Emo Philips
52% of people like this quote
I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.
Emo Philips
52% of people like this quote
You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.
Emo Philips
52% of people like this quote
I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, 'Get off me, you two!'
Emo Philips
52% of people like this quote
I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."
Emo Philips
51% of people like this quote
My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often.
Emo Philips
50% of people like this quote
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