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All Joan Rivers Quotes
My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.
Joan Rivers
54% of people like this quote
I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.
Joan Rivers
54% of people like this quote
Forty for you, sixty for me. And equal partners we will be.
Joan Rivers
54% of people like this quote
I don't excercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.
Joan Rivers
54% of people like this quote
There is not one female comic who was beautiful as a little girl.
Joan Rivers
53% of people like this quote
People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.
Joan Rivers
53% of people like this quote
Don't follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise.
Joan Rivers
53% of people like this quote
Elizabeth Taylor has more chins than the Chinese telephone directory.
Joan Rivers
53% of people like this quote
Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God's gift, that's why we call it the present.
Joan Rivers
52% of people like this quote
I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, "Get the hell off my property."
Joan Rivers
51% of people like this quote
It's so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up who.
Joan Rivers
51% of people like this quote
Yeah, I read history. But it doesn't make you nice. Hitler read history, too.
Joan Rivers
50% of people like this quote
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