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All Jon Stewart Quotes
I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.
Jon Stewart
65% of people like this quote
The seven marvels that best represent man's achievements over the last 2,000 years will be determined by Internet vote... so look for Howard Stern's Private Parts to come in No. 1.
Jon Stewart
57% of people like this quote
There is no such thing as an impartial jury because there are no impartial people. There are people that argue on the web for hours about who their favorite character on "Friends" is.
Jon Stewart
56% of people like this quote
The Supreme Court ruled that disabled golfer Casey Martin has a legal right to ride in a golf cart between shots at PGA Tour events. Man, the next thing you know, they're going to have some guy carry his clubs around for him.
Jon Stewart
56% of people like this quote
We have it. The smoking gun. The evidence. The potential weapon of mass destruction we have been looking for as our pretext of invading Iraq. There's just one problem - it's in North Korea.
Jon Stewart
56% of people like this quote
I'm not just a boy toy. I have feelings and dreams like anybody else.
Jon Stewart
56% of people like this quote
I was born with an adult head and a tiny body. Like a 'Peanuts' character.
Jon Stewart
55% of people like this quote
McVeigh's lawyer got him the death penalty, which, quite frankly, I could have done.
Jon Stewart
55% of people like this quote
I heard Dennis Kucinich say in a debate, 'When I'm president... and I just wanted to stop him and say, 'Dude.'
Jon Stewart
54% of people like this quote
There are a hell of a lot of jobs that are scarier than live comedy. Like standing in the operating room when a guy's heart stops, and you're the one who has to fix it!
Jon Stewart
53% of people like this quote
If the evens of September 11, 2001, have proven anything, it's that the terrorists can attack us, but they can't take away what makes us American - our freedom, our liberty, our civil rights. No, only Attorney General John Ashcroft can do that.
Jon Stewart
53% of people like this quote
Ahh, Earth Day, the only day of the year where being able to hacky-sack will get you laid.
Jon Stewart
53% of people like this quote
More than 150 heads of state attended the UN Summit, giving New Yorkers a chance to get in touch with prejudices they didn't even know they had.
Jon Stewart
51% of people like this quote
Yesterday, the president met with a group he calls the coalition of the willing. Or, as the rest of the world calls them, Britain and Spain.
Jon Stewart
50% of people like this quote
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