All Mitch Hedberg Quotes
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
Mitch Hedberg in
Funny
92% of people like this quote
My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero?
Mitch Hedberg
89% of people like this quote
I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before.
Mitch Hedberg
81% of people like this quote
I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.
Mitch Hedberg in
Funny
76% of people like this quote
An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.
Mitch Hedberg
75% of people like this quote
I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.
Mitch Hedberg
69% of people like this quote
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
Mitch Hedberg
67% of people like this quote
Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.
Mitch Hedberg
65% of people like this quote
I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.
Mitch Hedberg
65% of people like this quote
I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle.
Mitch Hedberg
65% of people like this quote
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
Mitch Hedberg
65% of people like this quote
I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that... day.
Mitch Hedberg
64% of people like this quote
I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.
Mitch Hedberg
62% of people like this quote
My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfway. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set.
Mitch Hedberg
62% of people like this quote
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