All Mitch Hedberg Quotes
When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away.
Mitch Hedberg
92% of people like this quote
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
Mitch Hedberg in
Funny
86% of people like this quote
My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero?
Mitch Hedberg
86% of people like this quote
I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before.
Mitch Hedberg
73% of people like this quote
An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.
Mitch Hedberg
71% of people like this quote
I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.
Mitch Hedberg in
Funny
65% of people like this quote
I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.
Mitch Hedberg
64% of people like this quote
My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfway. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set.
Mitch Hedberg
61% of people like this quote
I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle.
Mitch Hedberg
61% of people like this quote
Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.
Mitch Hedberg
61% of people like this quote
I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
Mitch Hedberg
60% of people like this quote
I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that... day.
Mitch Hedberg
59% of people like this quote
It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky.
Mitch Hedberg
59% of people like this quote
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
Mitch Hedberg
59% of people like this quote
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