All Mitch Hedberg Quotes
I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
Mitch Hedberg
58% of people like this quote
I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.
Mitch Hedberg
58% of people like this quote
Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?
Mitch Hedberg
58% of people like this quote
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
Mitch Hedberg
57% of people like this quote
I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.
Mitch Hedberg
57% of people like this quote
Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.
Mitch Hedberg
56% of people like this quote
I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.
Mitch Hedberg
56% of people like this quote
I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
Mitch Hedberg
56% of people like this quote
I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.
Mitch Hedberg
56% of people like this quote
I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.
Mitch Hedberg
55% of people like this quote
Related authors