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All Steven Wright Quotes
I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.
Steven Wright
50% of people like this quote
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
Steven Wright
50% of people like this quote
I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.
Steven Wright
49% of people like this quote
I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.
Steven Wright
49% of people like this quote
I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.'
Steven Wright
49% of people like this quote
When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?
Steven Wright
49% of people like this quote
I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
Steven Wright
49% of people like this quote
Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.
Steven Wright
49% of people like this quote
If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?
Steven Wright
49% of people like this quote
There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
Steven Wright
48% of people like this quote
I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking," but I don't have that much time.
Steven Wright
48% of people like this quote
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
Steven Wright
48% of people like this quote
Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.
Steven Wright
47% of people like this quote
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