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All Steven Wright Quotes
If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
Steven Wright
47% of people like this quote
In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.
Steven Wright
47% of people like this quote
I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
Steven Wright in
Funny
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Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.
Steven Wright
46% of people like this quote
I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
Steven Wright
46% of people like this quote
If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?
Steven Wright
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When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.
Steven Wright
46% of people like this quote
I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.
Steven Wright
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When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep good?" I said "No, I made a few mistakes."
Steven Wright
45% of people like this quote
My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
Steven Wright
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It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
Steven Wright
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Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.
Steven Wright
45% of people like this quote
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