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Random Comedian Quotes

She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.

Before we make love my husband takes a pain killer.

Joan Rivers

"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

George Carlin

It is better to have loafed and lost, than never to have loafed at all.

James Thurber

Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.

Groucho Marx

I'm 65 and I guess that puts me in with the geriatrics. But if there were fifteen months in every year, I'd only be 48. That's the trouble with us. We number everything. Take women, for example. I think they deserve to have more than twelve years between the ages of 28 and 40.

James Thurber

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