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My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.
 
Emo Philips
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Let's reintroduce corporal punishment in the schools - and use it on the teachers.
 
P. J. O'Rourke
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My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
 
Mitch Hedberg
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When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.
 
George Burns
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In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.
 
Rita Rudner
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I am the literary equivalent of a Big Mac and Fries.
 
Stephen King
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TV is chewing gum for the eyes.
 
Frank Lloyd Wright
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Life is hard. After all, it kills you.
 
Katharine Hepburn
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A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.
 
Groucho Marx
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Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.
 
Albert Einstein
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